12 years later I moved back home to start anew
When I was nineteen years old, I left home to explore the world. Twelve years later, I returned from abroad, exhausted. I craved a familiar place to rest, recover, reflect, re-organize myself, and find new ways forward. My time away left its marks and I appreciated being able to return to a place I knew.
Returning home became a unique chance to remember who I was and what I had left behind, memories I had been trying to move on from. I also found it hard to explain my plans to people, not even being sure myself. My mind wanted to produce something tangible, my body just longed to be. It’s interesting to come back home, see people react, but especially, find myself reacting, feeling uncertain, uncomfortable, curious about all that has changed and is still the same.
Today, six months later, I am moving on again. I always knew I wouldn’t stay, I couldn’t just yet, but I did like entertaining the thought.
These last months have been a time of deep exploration, more than ever before because I could do it every waking hour this time. And while from the outside it may have looked like I was standing still, within me I was moving mountains, doing some of the hardest work. Facing ourselves while also facing doubt from the outside, we cannot but go through fire. We get to know ourselves more than ever before, get to meet who we are and want to be on a deeper level.
After giving up my work, my home abroad, the city I lived in, my relationship, I wanted to start anew, wanted to find a way forward that would make my eyes sparkle and my heart jump.
I want to share some of the stages I have gone through upon returning back to where I grew up. It wasn’t as straight forward as I will describe it, but I hope that if you are going through a phase of change or transformation yourself, that you might be able to recognize some of this for your own support and journey.
Appreciation
Right after I left work, I felt relief and appreciation. I wanted to explore a new direction, something joyful and fun. I went to volunteer on a farm and entered another coach training program as well. I enjoyed being active and doing something different, I liked the feeling of freedom. Life seemed wonderful again.
Black hole
After these activities I fully landed at home. There was no plan ahead now and I could feel a black hole open up in front of me. Panic, now what?
Resistance
I also found myself making sure to repeat to myself and others that being home was temporary, that I just needed to take a tiny break and am already working on the next thing. Past memories and fears ruled my thoughts, I felt like I needed to do something, quickly, but my body wouldn’t move. I did not want to be home anymore, but I couldn’t be anywhere else either. Torn within, while still trying to push myself forward.
Body speaks the truth
During this time I noticed my body and mind trying to communicate to me, but I couldn’t hear it. Eventually, it was time. During a conversation with a friend I suddenly exclaimed: I just want to rest!. I still was afraid of what it would mean to take a proper break, to not think of work and how I could make myself useful to others, the world, how I would make money, how I would contribute something tangible to avoid feeling worthless. I had resisted how I truly felt and had continued old patterns, but now it was time to face all this.
Trying to rest
I decided to give myself five full weeks until shortly after New Years, to truly do nothing, to fully recover. I wrote about it here. It was hard because I had never learned how to properly take care of myself in this way, let go, be without expectations, unconditionally enjoy myself, own and claim this right for myself. My own (culture’s) values rarely left space for this. When the flu got me right before Christmas, I finally was able to surrender. I appreciated the stillness during the holiday season.
New Year energies
After 2023 arrived, I could sense fresh energies building up. I started to feel ready again to consider what would be next. With new motivation, new wisdom from reading and listening within, I decided to take a look at what’s out there. I considered applying to jobs, but nothing felt right. Starting self-employment, hm, maybe, but somehow not yet. With my savings slowly running out, soon I would need to generate income again. I felt worldly distractions crowd my mind again, but when I stopped this time to listen within, I heard what I really needed. And then things started to fall into place, without much effort. What I desired became available: the chance to spend this year with animals and humans in community.
Going deep before flying out again
With several weeks left before my new adventures would begin, I took the chance to go deep again. This was the time and space to fully surrender to all that was still hurting, from the past, from last years, from meeting my younger self in these childhood walls. Occasionally I got lost, almost drowned, but gentle souls helped me along the way. And then, during the last coach training days filled with rich experiences, I surfaced and reached a new level of awareness. After all this darkness (winter darkness as much as the process of exploring my shadows), I found my way back to the world and even beyond, feeling lighter, stronger, more vulnerable but also more mature and whole.
Crack of Dawn
Coming back to where I grew up allowed me to come to terms with who I was, how I experienced growing up, how I had focused a lot on the outside world. I wanted to follow the path that promised safety and happiness. I followed the rules, mostly, was nice and kind, always did my best, and yet it lead me to being an adult who still felt like a lost child. At times I looked like I had everything together, but it barely felt like it.
Through therapy, coaching, asking for help and fully committing to finding what was lost, I started to sort out what was really mine and what belonged to others, held warm space to explore and get to know my real needs, dreams, desires. I dug up the repressed and allowed it back into my life. I started to become more loyal again to my own self, my soul.
I have a new sense that I can indeed trust my perception, that I am not alone on this ever-continuing journey, that most answers to my struggles lie within, and that keeping my distance from others was rather a protection strategy than who I really am. There is so much to learn about life, about being human, about being a woman, a daughter, a sister, a member of my culture, about everything. Coming back to where I started out in life has been tricky, but I know that it was absolutely necessary in order to grow and continue on my path of uncovering my authentic self. I came closer to my home deep within and there’s no feeling like it.
The writing prompt for this piece was Conflicting Loyalties.
