Finally 30! Learnings from my 20s
And what it took for me to feel fully alive again
I recently turned 30. In contrast to feeling old or sad, or wanting to stay forever 29, I actually feel pretty cheerful. “Finally 30!” I thought with the day approaching.
And why wouldn’t I be glad to let my twenties go? They were filled with loneliness and anxiety, next to many pressing and fundamental questions to which I just couldn’t find answers, such as “who the hell am I and why am I here?” and “why am I feeling so empty and depressed all the time?”
Toward the end of my twenties, I started finding answers. Answers that work for me, that is. Answers that make sense to me, that make me feel good and grounded, that lift me and my surroundings up instead of adding more anxiety.
With one turbulent but crucial life chapter ending, I am looking forward to really applying all that I have uncovered so far in the next one. And I want to share some of that with you.
Recalibrating my compass
Several years ago, I discovered I am both highly sensitive and an INFJ personality type. Plus, my zodiac sign is Pisces. This basically means, among many other things, that emotions and feelings matter to me and impact me a lot.
When I was younger, however, the environment in which I grew up did not place much importance on emotions. And being sensitive was something unwanted. So in order to fit in and avoid trouble, I unconsciously suppressed how I was and felt. And when I look back now, I understand how this sucked the life out of me. I became even more shy and withdrawn, and eventually depressed. And I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
Fast forward to today, I have come to understand that my emotions are my most valuable asset. They are my compass, my guidance system. They indicate where trauma needs healing, where conflict needs resolution (within or without), where something needs to be learned or further explored. They also show me what feels right and good to me and what I should do more often. They tell me all I need to know, if only I dare to take the time to silence the distractions and truly listen.
I have re-learned to trust my feelings and take my emotions seriously. Expressing outwardly how I feel can still be hard at times, but I have made some big steps. Most importantly, I have re-learned to trust myself again, and others, even life. My mind is no longer the dictator.
Searching for a place called home
During most of my twenties I felt pretty lost. I knew that where I was and how I felt was not right. I met lovely people, formed beautiful friendships, traveled to and lived in interesting places, but I still didn’t feel ok. I struggled with those same friendships, places, and with relationships. The foundation was always shaky. Anxiety followed me wherever I went, and no matter how much I learned about myself, I still felt lost and lonely. I was looking for something, but I didn’t know what it was back then.
Recently I started to consciously notice, how, for example, lush, vibrant, warm, colorful, and social places make me feel something very unique. Something that speaks to my core. A similar feeling arises when I find myself deeply enjoying being around animals and interacting with them. From the tiny ladybug who lands on my hand, to the cute giraffe who smiles at me or the doggie who gently sniffs my leg, the pure joy that moves through me in moments like this is absolutely mesmerizing. All my senses are activated, and I feel like the purest version of myself. I feel like I am home, and that I belong.
“Home is not where you are born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease” ― Naguib Mahfouz
Something that has always been very clear to me is that I value friendships enormously. Good friends stay for life, no matter what turns life takes. These are the people with whom I want to share my greatest joys and deepest sorrows. They feel with me and I feel with them. We go through life together.
And so I understood that home to me is also the people in my life. It is my family. It is those friendships. It is the loving relationship that makes me grow. It is love. It is giving to and receiving kindness and compassion from strangers. It is all the places and animals and people that make me feel like I belong, who share a smile with me and remind me that I am not alone, that we are all in this together.
Now at 30, I feel like I finally have an idea of where my home is, and that it can be several places and people all at once. Because home is a feeling.
Time to start living
It is interesting how we are as children socialized into our part of the world and culture. Yet, I have spent most of my life trying to get love and approval by pleasing others, by adjusting myself to everyone around me, by being ‘a good girl’, while constantly feeling socially anxious and wrong somehow.
I had no idea who I was, how and why I was different from others, and what I wanted and needed. I had not learned to be there for myself, let alone love and accept myself. On the contrary, it was a constant internal battle.
I deeply craved to feel good, about myself and about others, about the world. However, I knew that in order to show up for the world and to be of service, to leave a positive mark, I would first need to sort myself out.
One day I stumbled across an old photograph from my early childhood. I saw a little girl who was smiling quirkily and ready to play in the sand. And that’s when I realized and remembered all that had been lost. I knew I needed to rediscover this smile, this joy and presence in the world. I knew what I really wanted was to feel as emotionally free again.
“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” — Joseph Campbell
With time, I learned to identify things, activities and people that brought me joy. I noticed how they gave me energy instead of draining me. And so I kept following what felt good and real.
Interestingly, when I feel grateful and alive and loving today, when I do not force or hurry myself (or others), when I move at my own pace and stay true to myself, things start to sort themselves out automatically. It is as if life was there to carry me and thank me because I was finally brave enough to open up to it.
I believe that when we deeply accept and allow what feels right to us, without immediately judging it, even more good things can follow. Purpose, fulfillment, wealth, success, however you may define them for yourself, they are consequences of being at peace with who we are and investing our time and energy accordingly.
And when we start to embrace and carry this kind of light and power within us, serving others and our planet stops feeling like an obligation. Instead, it begins to feel like we are doing exactly what we are meant to. Like a life that is truly lived.
Life does not end at 30, or any age really
Understanding something with the mind is one thing, but feeling and embodying it is another story. You don’t know until you know, but at least you can keep looking.
We can always explore more, learn more, understand more, feel more. Our age is a number that matters because it wakes us up and asks if we are still making good use of this life. Turning 30 is a great new beginning to me, the next exciting chapter to write. But no matter if we are 30 or any other age really, there is always room for new beginnings. And I believe that seeing it in this light is a choice we need to make.
You can keep looking back with regret, or you can pinch yourself and ask your important questions (or find out what those are for you in the first place), and then go out to find your answers. What do you still want to explore? Who do you still want to be? Which challenges are you still excited to face? What moves you deeply and makes you feel grateful? And what is it that activates you and makes you feel truly alive?
