I am ready to say #metoo, but now what?
Reflections on how to move forward
Looking back, I feel angry for having been quiet. Perhaps I do not blame myself. I just wanted to forget what had happened and move forward.
Luckily, inappropriate behaviors which were still easily overlooked and almost normalized six years ago are no longer that. Times have started to change.
I sometimes think of that one person, the others too. How they behaved was laughed about and ignored. I tried to laugh it away and ignore it, too. Haha, how funny that you don’t accept my NO. I guess the joke’s on me. How was I supposed to know how these kinds of behaviors and experiences would evolve to shape and affect me in the future, how they would attach themselves to my self like a parasite that would continue to drain my energy.
I felt pretty small back then. To some extend, I was made believe to be grateful for their attention. After all, what is a woman without the attention of men, right? I trusted them because I thought they were my friends. I suppose I also did not have a better system of reference.
When there is someone older than you or with more experience and influence, and you are young, you trust that they know what is right and wrong. I followed their lead, looked up to them, believed I was safe with them. Maybe I sensed certain darkness which is what most likely also attracted me into their lives — my shadows were drawn to theirs.
I recently got curious how their lives have turned out. The one who abused me has a daughter now. I know that in his eyes nothing bad ever happened. Isn‘t that the worst? When your experience is not acknowledged, not heard, minimized. I was just someone to play with, not a sensitive person who has her own world inside of her. He understood my weaknesses and used them. He used me. And I explained it away because I was so insecure. I had several “friends” whose bad behavior I excused. I thought so little of myself, and so highly of everyone else.
It has been a couple of years since the #metoo movement emerged, and it has taken me some time to fully recognize all the bigger and smaller things that happened to me. Until recently, I was still relying on explanations and minimizations. However, these days it does get harder and harder. I am now on an authenticity quest and it is incredible what comes to light. The process of learning to love and accept myself is part of the journey, but it is hard. I noticed parts of myself that were still extremely closed off, and of course, this affects any romantic relationships. These days, there isn’t a way around it anymore, my own #metoo events and the people that shaped them and me have pushed to the surface of my consciousness.
I do not want to shine direct light onto the men who behaved inappropriately. As I write this, I do wonder why. When you struggle with self worth, you doubt your power to actually change something. Maybe I am afraid to play the blame game which usually follows. The man who abused his power the most, might be incapable of seeing others as real people. However, his work is beautiful and important, I do want to admit that. But isn‘t that the irony in all this too — I do not want to jeopardize something good, even if it means staying silent about a harmful part of that same person. A question remains: Does it matter that he does impactful work if his ways of treating people are like he treated me? Sometimes I wonder if there are others, after all, he knew how to charm and manipulate people quite well. I still feel ashamed that I let it happen to me, that I didn’t know how to better protect myself. I was broken and vulnerable, and this is usually where such stories begin.
I am not quite sure how to move forward. I do not believe he changed but I am really hoping he has. I am afraid he is still treating others the way he treated me. But does speaking up after all these years matter? I feel like I have read these kinds of questions in survivor reports and the answer usually seemed clear. But here I am right in the middle of it, not feeling sure what to do. I do not want my life to stop for him, once again. I do want to move on. But can I move on if I remain silent and easily triggered? Shouldn‘t the truth be told? Would there be anyone to listen and care? Maybe I avoid naming him not to protect him, but rather to protect myself.
I have come to learn that nobody is above anyone, no matter how old, influential or smart they may be. Everyone carries some pain within, if they know it or not. Everyone is influenced by some unresolved past. While I understand that early traumatic experiences, societies and even the system itself create people with undesirable behaviors, I do not want to make any more excuses for them. What they did was wrong and they should face their demons. I am facing my own as well, and it is hard, I know. But either way, we should and need to strive to do better. Speaking out about inappropriate and abuse behavior is really important as I understand now, no matter what way we choose to do it. It is important for ourselves, but also for the people around us who may not have access to their voices just yet, as it has been for me. We need to support each other in understanding what happened so that we can indeed move on.
And by the way, we can see that a lack of respect for the integrity of the other is not only targeted toward fellow humans. It is equally prominent in regard to other species, who are used, abused, and exploited for human pleasure. Even our beautiful mother earth is treated in most terrifying ways. It is a far-reaching pattern. Are you seeing it?
It is time to not be quiet anymore, but instead become confident in speaking out about what we see as unjust. While my confession here is not a complete one — leaving out all the details — it is still a huge start for me. And that is important, right? To take it one step at a time for whatever we are ready.
The writing prompt for this piece was Beginnings.
