Meeting ourselves in moments of darkness
and accepting responsibility for our unique path and wellbeing
A few weeks back I got sick with the stomach flu. Boy have I not experienced something like this in a while, or ever to the extend it happened. When you loose control over your body in this way — your insides forcefully pushing their way to the outside — it makes you think. It made me think.
As I was lying there, moving back and forth between bed and toilet, wiping up my insides from the floor with the last bits of energy left in me, I also suddenly started to feel and see clearly where I was at in life.
I was staying in a Yurt, on a farm. I had moved there on just a few information, just wanting to be with animals daily and to gain experience in working on and managing a farm. I put forth a lot of trust that I would be ok there, actually I didn’t really think about all the details. I just wanted to take the opportunity, which seemed unique and promising. I handed over myself to the life and people there. I have been leading a life on the move, dear friends are never close by. Everything was new, a new home, new work field and industry. I guess I wanted to embrace the potential that I just hoped that everything else would work out to my favor. But I struggled. A LOT. Especially as a highly sensitive person (HSP), being overwhelmed and overstimulated with little boundaries in place.
And so when I got sick I reached a new kind of low. As I couldn’t even properly make it out of my yurt and to the bathroom or to the people living on the same property about 100 meters away, it made me think. What had I gotten myself into. How could I be 32 years old and live like this, be alone like this. I experienced an intense emotional flashback (have a look at Pete Walker’s work on this) and the world turned pretty dark.
Around that same time, a friend shared a book called “Allein” by Daniel Schreiber with me. It’s about the author living alone and finding his place in the world where he is single while people around him somehow all live in partnerships. Reading it, especially during this sensitive time of sickness, it completely reshuffled my thinking on friendships, romantic relationships, perhaps even the relationship we have with ourselves.
At the end of the day, we are shaped immensely by the culture we live in, societal standards, what we are exposed to in the media, in movies, advertisement, social media. Everywhere we find suggestions about what is “right” and “normal” and what is not. The lifestyles unmentioned, the choices people make that nobody talks about. So much is left in the societal and collective shadow, but many people live there too! From what I have witnessed, it always seems that being in a romantic relationship comes first, people ask about it, expect it to happen sooner or later. If you don’t have a relationship, people say “we know you will soon meet someone”. I always valued friendships more than romantic relationships, was somehow convinced that they are more stable and lasting, they are the real thing that get us through life, through the ups and downs. However, after reading Daniel Schreiber’s thoughts and experiences on the topic, I had to agree: People do prioritize romantic relationships (especially when they turn into family, children) over friendships. It’s seems the default in our society. So when you are the one to prioritize friendships, you can do it, BUT you won’t necessarily be prioritized in return. That’s something I had to sit with.
And yet, it also doesn’t have to be depressing. In the last years I have loved to turn to the depths of the spiritual world. When you realize how everything is connected, when you feel your way into the structures and flavors of everything around you, when you look at the world through loving eyes, then surely it all makes sense (sorry to be so vague!). What I am trying to get at: everything has its place, reason, purpose. We are shaped by our environment the moment we are born, hell even before that! Most of the things that are going on with and for us weren’t the decision of our human selves anyways. We all do the best we can. So from here, there is no need to be angry or disappointed at the world or others. From here the only thing that we can do is to remember that we have the power to create changes for ourselves. At the end of the day we are responsible for our own life, everyone else is busy dealing with theirs, and that’s how it should be!
When I found myself disappointed in others (or myself or the world), I realized that there was potential in it. Actively understanding and accepting what we are disappointed in can show us what we desire. And when we look at the situation, accept it, and instead of feeling sorry for ourselves move through it and look for the choices that could lead to different outcomes, then we have some real potential. As long as we resist what is, in regard to our own situation or even the state of our society or relationships or whatever else, we cannot change anything. When we accept it, that’s a good place for moving forward toward something better.
While and after I experienced this weird time of sickness and initially being intensely emotional, I felt I was finding some real truth. It felt like I was getting to the bottom of things, the essence of what life was made of. Interestingly, “down there at the bottom” I felt very neutral, no big emotions anymore, it was what it was. I also didn’t want to do anything about anything anymore, I just wanted to be, embrace this new found clarity. It felt peaceful. Everything hard fell away and what I was left with was myself. And herein I found great power.
Of course, once I got physically healthy, life took me back. I got busy again with meeting people’s expectations, old patterns took over. It had only been a little excursion into the truth of things. But finally we have to admit that life is like that. There is ebbs and flows, highs and lows. It’s breathtaking beauty and dark abysses. It’s quite the wild ride and honestly a lot of times I feel terribly exhausted by it. But, I also have to admit that no matter what, there is always movement toward becoming more real, more authentic, more mature, more healed.
And at the end of the day, I know that I have to step up for myself, for my inner child, the arrested parts in me, the parts that are still hurting and want attention and love. I don’t have to focus on the outside world too much, it always keeps moving anyways! The best way to take care of myself is to tend to what comes up emotionally, to sit with it, endure it sometimes, to patiently and compassionately listen, like a good parent, friend or partner. And then, truly, everything else usually falls into place one way or another.
And so through this experience I have learned (or been reminded?) that we cannot unload responsibility for ourselves onto others, everyone has their priorities and what’s valuable to them. It is us who need to step up for us, figure out what we want and need and desire, and learn to ask for it and draw our own boundaries too. You’ve never learned how to do it? Sure, probably, but then the best time to finally learn it is now. When we feel small, pointless and sorry for our situation, these are signs of emotional flashback to a time when we were small and helpless as children. We must embrace that we are adults now, we can learn to help ourselves and move out of our arrested developmental states. We must make that choice, we can meet our needs by being there for ourselves but also by asking others to help us directly instead of hoping and waiting. We can know this in theory but eventually we have to update our body too. We have to keep practicing this again and again with all the setbacks and accept that change will come slowly, but it will come, and occasionally, we can look back and appreciate how far we’ve come. And we will know that it is all worth it, no matter how long it takes.
The writing prompt for this piece was Family Gatherings.
NOTE: When writing my last pieces and also this one, I noticed how I am deviating from the original meanings of the prompts. At times I just didn’t feel like taking them literally. Instead, other topics would pop up which felt worth exploring. This prompt made me ponder on the idea of family, what a healthy supportive family is to me, what kind of family members there are. The idea of a “healthy family within” came up, with the family members being all these many parts within us which sometimes can fight and avoid and get into conflict. Family can also mean good friends; for me they often provided better emotional support than my original family, but there are still limits. And what if we feel like we do not really have a family the way we wish we had? Nobody to gather? You see, there’s lots one could write about even if not in the original meaning of the prompt. I like that I allow myself to use them however I want. There are no hard lines and do not need to be, and this makes this writing journey just right.
