Rediscovery of a feeling
About letting go and going back to where it all started
This year has been all about change and transformation for me, more than ever before. It started out with family healing, a long-term relationship breakup, a move to another country — even continent. By now I have moved again, lost and gained a few dear friends, and handed in notice.
Many life anchors we may have, a place we call home, a partnership, our work identity, friends, family, hobbies, community, perhaps a spiritual place within or without, these things give us a sense of stability, safety, belonging.
During a recent meditation, I suddenly conceptualized my life like this: I was sitting on a small rowing boat in the middle of the sea. Nighttime. A few gentle waves, nothing threatening. Three anchors were keeping the boat in place. I identified them as my relationship, the city I lived in, and my employment. But now I was slowly hoisting one anchor after another.
Interestingly, my friends and family were represented more like bright lights hovering around me. The same for my spiritual relationship with life. These are anchors of a different kind, they are not tied to a specific place but accompany me wherever I go. A comforting thought.
In my imagined scene I was now floating, not anchored to anything anymore. It felt scary and unpredictable, no place to hold onto. The boat became susceptible to the currents, the weather. Was I trying to fight it? Or would I be able to let go, see where the wind takes me, perhaps even put up a sail?
I loved how this scene had just appeared in my mind and how it had felt. I hadn’t been able to put words to my recent discomfort and irritation. But the boat metaphor seemed right. I was truly unbound like never before.
I uprooted my life because it was not working for me. I was miserable without being able to make a change. From the outside everything was ok, but all that kept bothering me was this feeling. The feeling that this was not right, that I was not right like this, that this was not really me. And my body sent its warning signals, too.
Now that I cut my ties, I do wonder what is next. So many possibilities of what I could do. However, the questions I want and need to be asking instead are: What do I want to do? What does my heart long to do, express, and be?
It is up to me what I will make of it. The voices of reason have gone into the background, shoulds and musts, too (most of the time). I feel like a child again who has everything ahead of her. What does she want to do with her life? Who is she, what is her essence? Who does she want to be? What dream is she not going to set aside this time?
I also feel vulnerable. Brave. Curious. Sad, about parts of this past identity that I have enjoyed, and the things that did not work out.
But I am mostly looking forward to reclaiming the feeling of openness and freedom to find what I truly love doing and being, the authentic me. I am also in awe and filled with respect to go on this journey, one I have not walked before.
I cannot change the course of my life up until here, the decisions I made based on fear and perceived limitations, I had to learn my lessons. It feels special to get a second chance. To take it, rather. In that sense I feel lucky. To be able to go looking for what lights me up all the way, letting go of the old and welcoming the new, whatever it may be.
The writing prompt for this piece was Rediscovery.
