The connection between boundaries, shame and inauthenticity
The biggest insights on my journey yet
My worst days have probably been the ones when I felt terribly alone, wanted to sink deep into the earth and never resurface, perhaps felt wrong as a person, not able to deal with life, had faced conflict and overwhelming emotions, perhaps had overfocused (again) on others and hadn’t allowed myself to do anything to care for or excite my soul.
I have been on an authenticity journey since 2021 and recently something profound revealed itself to me:
how a lack of boundaries and shame directly link to my struggles with showing up authentically.
I cannot recall how it clicked, but it might have started with coming across Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book on boundaries. I have known for some time how my lacking boundaries are affecting me, but I probably did not know how to break the pattern.
When I looked at Nedra’s book and the way boundaries were described, things shifted. I realized that most of 2023 I had suffered because I had not been able to have nor enforce boundaries with others or even myself. Hell, I didn’t know what my boundaries were in the first place. I had probably also convinced myself that I should not have any boundaries because my purpose was to be as helpful to others as possible. My wellbeing always came second, I had subconsciously agreed to that. I knew these beliefs might not be optimal, but facing what was hiding underneath felt way too icky to look at.
Toward the end of 2023, I found myself burned out, AGAIN! When I then discovered Nedra’s book, her writing, the concepts and examples, I felt touched on a deeper level, perhaps because my newest wounds were so fresh.
I had let someone else repeatedly cross my boundaries in ways that felt deeply confusing and painful. Yet, my mind kept explaining away why it was still ok, how I would still greatly learn from this, and so on. I ended up miserable, exhausted, and with the desire to dissolve into the universe. Life wasn’t fun, just one long struggle and I was so tired of it.
Perhaps this momentum helped me to fully take in what it might mean to have boundaries and how it makes life worth living.
This led me to realize that one has to know oneself pretty well to know one’s boundaries.
Even though I often feel an immediate yes or no response to someone’s requests or actions (hello sacral authority for those familiar with Human Design), from early on I learned to rely and trust my mind more than my intuition/gut. I became excellent at rationalizing events. I suppose this gave me a sense of control, but at the end of the day, I still mostly complied to others and completely neglected myself, my wellbeing, my true experience in the world.
I often did not know what I needed or wanted because I had never allowed myself to fully explore this. I had never been given guidance on how to do it. I was raised to be “a good girl”, helpful, friendly, easy-going, relaxed, no burden or problem to anyone. The wish to be perceived a certain way made me go along with things that were not okay for me. And there was and is also the fear of being violently rejected if I ever stood up for what I wanted or needed. A fear of ending up alone, broken and isolated. It may all sound a bit much, but emotionally it absolutely felt like this.
So, by now I have learned that in order to even come close to setting and enforcing boundaries with others, one has to know oneself pretty well first. One also has to believe that one is allowed to have boundaries!
This is what reminded me of authenticity. To know who one is, what one wants and needs, and to behave and communicate accordingly, isn’t that being authentic? Inauthentic is to say yes (or no) to everything in order to stay safe or be liked. Deep and crippling fear prevented me from being authentic, and there is one more equally strong emotion in the mix: shame!
When I pondered why it is hard for me to set boundaries with people or even myself, shame seemed to hit the nail on the head.
Shame was a big issue for me in my youth, mostly the part where I was blushing heavily in social settings without control and just wanted to run away as fast as I could. It was torture to not be able to hide what I deemed shameful, to be so exposed and vulnerable to it as well as to people’s laughing and teasing.
I made some progress on the blushing issue over the years, built myself up, tried to relax into it. But the blushing was just a symptom of the deeper issue, the deeper emotion.
Shame might be the most painful and paralyzing emotion, not just for me, but apparently for anyone who is human. I started to read into the topic and it became apparent that we all struggle with it. We do not like to feel shame in any way. Often we are even pretty unaware how it is dictating our behavior and life.
I am ashamed to be fully myself in public or even with friends and loved ones because I still believe that some aspects of me are somehow wrong, inacceptable, disgusting. Deep shame has been with me for soooo long, I cannot remember it not being there. Of course I mostly tried to ignore it.
Until recently I did not know where I stood on various issues because I had looked outward for so long, focusing on other people, imagining what they want or need, how to be good and useful for them. Nobody taught me how to feel okay about my weaknesses, my dark thoughts and emotions, my desperation and depression at times. Nobody taught me how to love (myself), to stand up for myself without feeling guilty, afraid and ashamed. It hadn’t been part of any curriculum, so how would I know? How could I explore my desires and boundaries when guilt and shame strangled me?
I recently came across the notion that shame might be the most prevalent in German culture (I am German). Depending on the environment we grow up in, the things we feel ashamed of may differ, but research says we all experience(d) shaming one way or another, no matter if we are aware of it or not.
Over time, I have been able to work through some of these “shameful” things, others are still very much with me. Each year I discover new topics and memories, peeling back the metaphorical one step at a time.
Things I still struggle with are, for example, saying no, wanting and needing certain things, having fun, resting, liking myself, wanting to become someone. I believe shame and its effects might be the reason why at times I also feel unseen, not like a real person, like I do not really exist or that people do not really know me, that I am unworthy, my mere existence a burden to others. Perhaps shame also causes all these ways I doubt myself, because making mistakes or being wrong are triggers too.
As so many times along this journey, I feel this only scratches the surface. But discovering this new connection felt invigorating.
If I can face and embrace my shame and all the different ways in which it shows up, if I can continue to get to know myself, to trust my gut feelings and reduce the rationalizing, if I can identify and acknowledge my boundaries and respect and appreciate upholding them, oooh I have a feeling that showing up more authentically might not be too far away anymore.
It then came to me that authenticity might be about being connected to ourselves, our body, our intuition, our inner world with all its light and darkness, and to not be afraid to openly acknowledge all this because we fully appreciate how much it is part of being human.
Surely, easier said than done, but perhaps still a step forward towards healing life-negating shame.
My lack of boundaries and the ever-underlying shame have numbed me for so long, have kept me in shackles, and I believe inauthenticity has been a result and symptom of that. I want to make setting boundaries a priority, want to sit with my shame with compassion, want to make space for exploring how and who I am. Let’s see where it leads. It feels promising. I am a bit excited. :)
The writing prompt for this piece was Worst Day of Your Life.
