The cost of coping
A wake-up call
I recently went through a painful experience with my teeth. The effects can still be felt and based on my layman research into oral health and dentistry, it has become crystal clear: I urgently need to change my relationship with food and especially sweets.
It is interesting how tooth problems feel different than other illnesses. When we lay teeth to rest, when we remove them or their nerves, mixed emotions of grief, shame, and even existential threat can arise. Toothaches bring us to a stand still. The pain consumes us. And this time, it really woke me up.
Now that I have a fuller picture as to what goes into oral health, I feel puzzled. I did know some of it, but certainly not the most important parts. Why did nobody tell me? How could I live my life without understanding something so crucial to my wellbeing? Why was I so ignorant, did this kind of experience really need to happen? And why are harmful things — such as sugar — so normalized? I know the answer of course, but it remains truly unsatisfying.
I have seen documentaries and wake-up calls like Sugar is not a treat, but I wasn’t aware how exactly substances like this (and others) affect my teeth and what hidden warning signs to look out for. I knew the basics, but not enough. I didn’t know how various foods react with different layers of my teeth. I didn’t know how to take temporary tooth discomfort seriously. I didn’t know what to ask for from my dentist. The fear of someone working on my teeth has been subconscious and painfully real, but, after having done my research now, the monster doesn’t look so scary anymore.
During the last months I have continued to go through deep personal transformation. I uprooted many aspects of my life, knowing it was necessary to find my way. In some areas of my life I experienced incredible beauty, in others however, I was still plagued by stress, pressure and indecision. It’s been a turbulent time.
After I got the news about the status of my teeth, and while researching the topic to get some feeling of control, it suddenly struck me more than ever: Sweet treats have always been my escape, my way to cope with life. After a stressful day or social interactions, I would retreat to my room, watch a show and eat something sweet. Sometimes even rushing home for it. For hours I would slowly savor every bite of it. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), life can be a lot, and this was my way to survive in a world which has not been designed for people like me.
Already very early in life I got my first filling. I had secretly eaten chocolate before falling asleep, probably a way to calm myself down. Over the next years I would become better at brushing my teeth and not eating candy at night, but the habit of soothing myself with sweets remained. One always hears that sweets aren’t good for us and our teeth, but that always stayed too abstract. Plus, sugary foods are normalized as rewards. They say one shouldn’t overdo it, of course, but we know how addictive these things are made to be.
This experience now — I suppose it came at the right time — confirmed that I have been accepting a life which does not bring me true joy and fulfillment. No wonder it has been challenging for me to quit sugar. The root issue has never been addressed. For a long time I did not know how to change my situation, and perhaps it wasn’t the right time yet. But, now I want to quit coping, I need to. I want to be done with upkeeping a ritual that once helped me, but is no longer in my best interest.
It has been crazy to realize how this craving for sweets, this way of soothing myself in combination with watching shows has kept me in place. How it prevented me from facing the truth. But I believe the day has come where I have gained enough momentum and strength to let go. Let go of something I knew was harmful but which didn’t seem to have an alternative. I am excited to start choosing what is good for me, even though this came at a cost.
I want to create a soft, rich and satisfying life so I do not need a coping mechanism anymore. I want to find sweetness and joy in my work, in tender social interactions and connections filling me with love which no substance or distraction could provide me with. It might be easier said than done, or maybe not. I am definitely about to find out.
As with my teeth, my roots have been exposed. The pain has revealed a truth that I am now able to face. What I have gained is the conviction that I do have control over my life, that I will prioritize my health and wellbeing no matter what it might take. I am ready to be vulnerable so I can find what is authentically me. I know there won’t be any other way.
The writing prompt for this piece was Rituals.
