When wanting rest triggers guilt and shame
Always doing something. A few weeks ago, I finally admitted it: I had burned out and was still suffering from it. I hadn’t worked at a fancy company nor in a high-responsibility job, didn’t have big achievements or results to show, and yet, I burned out. I hadn’t been terribly busy all the time, I did not have to be. Instead, the stress was internal, it was self-inflicted over a long period of time, including various expectations and standards for myself. I wanted to be part of creating change so badly, wanted to improve something for someone, to make it all worth it somehow. I had pushed and pushed, gotten frustrated, over and over. Eventually the bubble burst.
When I recently scribbled down my thoughts on paper (as I often do), I realized how I have always wanted to make the world a better place, not because I thought I could, but due to desperation for the state of the world. This truly drove me. I was motivated to learn as much as possible, to seek the truth underneath all the layers of symptoms and denial. I wanted to find the kind of work or leverage that would have the biggest positive impact. I felt responsible for the world somehow, the injustices, the suffering, I was focused a lot on what was wrong, what needed improvement. Doing this for over ten years, eventually, the internal pressure became too much. Already a few years ago I had broken down, and now, again. This time I had more capacity, to stop and re-evaluate where I was and what I was doing.
Three months after I had quit my job, I still felt that something was off. Now I had time, now I could do something perhaps more fitting to me, I wanted to. But why could I not get going? It became clear that I had continued the same pattern, just now on my own time and without being paid. The internal expectations had stayed, it had just gotten a different flavor. Finally, I blurted it out during a conversation with a friend: “I just want to rest! I am just so exhausted, still”.
It dawned on me then that while my body and mind were begging me to rest, another part of me still tried to keep going. As this part kept pushing myself just as it had done all these years, suddenly this awareness came to the surface. It shocked me. I had quit my job because I needed rest and wanted to do something that would bring more joy to me, but instead, this same intense part had made me continue the same old way. I also started to recognize a lot of shame around the idea of resting, doing nothing, just enjoying myself for a time.
It is not a thing people do, resting, not working, I thought. If you have an official diagnosis which excuses you from work, okay, but if you do not, then it’s a strange thing, to not work. People ask, wonder, try to make sense of what is going on. And of course, people were a mirror to my internal world. It was also me who was judging, criticizing and shaming myself for not working.
After my emotional declaration to my friend of needing rest, which hit me hard somehow, it took a few days to let the dust settle. Wow, I really had a burnout and still needed to recover. I needed rest. I am depleted. I cannot think of work, it overwhelms me. I decided to give myself until the new year to really do nothing, properly rest, I need it and can afford it, I think. So I should do it! I want to do it. It felt liberating to make that decision. I had not owned my own state of exhaustion, couldn’t allow myself what I needed. My lifelong pattern was sticky.
After I had finally granted myself a minimum of 5 weeks of rest, the next big question arose. How do I rest, aside from Netflix and sleeping? What does resting even mean? How do I feel when I am properly rested? What do I need to feel better, more relaxed, more grounded and like myself on a deep level? It was stunning to me that I had managed to go through life without ever considering this. When people had asked me what I do for fun sometimes, I often did not know what to say. Until some time ago I did not even know what truly brings me joy. How crazy is that! How sad, in fact.
Many weeks into my resting phase now, I uncovered a bit more on what resting means to me, what it entails, what I can do to take care of myself. I came up with some nice self-care activities. I also did a lot of inner work. Even though that too is hard work (despite my mind still trying to convince me otherwise), it felt good and right to do on a daily basis during this phase. To shine light onto what was going on beneath the surface. I uncovered so many things.
My life did not have balance, it still does not as it’s something I have to learn to establish. Everything has been about work. Everything felt like it should be about work. I thought I needed to figure out work first, and then I can do “the rest of life”. And this continued year after year.
Having granted myself these last weeks to fully focus on the other side of life, on caring for myself, living started to feel heathier and more whole. It is so easy to fall back though. I wish I could tell you how amazing these weeks have been, but breaking down a lifelong pattern comes with its wonderful progress and hard fallbacks alike.
I continue to remind myself to understand that there is work, but that there must also be time to just be, have fun, relax, “do nothing”. There is being of service and giving back to the world and others, but then there must also be receiving and giving back and nourishing oneself. When we sleep, we do it, when we eat healthy we do it, when we listen to our body we do it. When we exercise mindfully, we do it. But there are many more personal things that help us recharge our batteries to break even. I did not know what these things were for me, I never learned to allow this time for myself, it always felt too selfish, or that I could only do it after I had achieved something. If I tried to rest without having added any value somewhere before, I felt worthless. It is sad to write this. It pains me for myself, but also because many people think and feel alike, many cultures promote this.
Often, we think it’s just us, but there are so many aspects affecting our lives. When we struggle, it is not our fault! It is just that we haven’t seen or learned it differently. We need to be kind to ourselves.
I am fascinated that I have discovered this now, after so many years of living. How simple, resting, and yet how elusive it was and maybe still is. It took a lot for me, and I need to continue to stand my ground in developing this self-care practice, a proper one, and not going too far in either direction.
Resting helps us in so many ways. It is something we deserve without any condition. It is itself a productive activity, to allow our body and mind to be still and recharge. We often rest to be productive again, or when we feel we have deserved it after depleting ourselves. But this way we often do not rest enough, we don’t fully revel in this beautiful activity of resting. Often the internal pressure stays. Deep rest does not arrive. It remains conditional. And eventually we collapse while the pressure of the world continues and even rises.
I want to continue considering this topic, want to learn to enjoy myself guilt and shame free, balance my life so that work or thoughts on it is not everything. It might take repetition and reminders. Resting should be fully about us, what we need, what feels good, right now. And then, once we feel filled up, yes, we very naturally want to get back out there to be of service to others. Work brings great joy too, if indeed it is not at the cost of ourselves. I have yet to learn a lot, but just like healthy food and sleep nourishes the body, we need more unconditional self-care practices to truly nourish all of that is us.
The writing prompt for this piece was Food.
